You Know Your Problem? You Keep It All In

 

Do you remember that song? By the Beautiful South, a great sentiment, some days it is better to keep it all in, rather than just explode, taking everyone in the vicinity with you. I know that we, as society that is, are encouraged to talk about things and express our feelings as they can help us work things through. But sometimes, there are situations where that may help you in the short term, but the next day you may find yourself avoiding the person you spoke to because “I can’t believe I told them that!”

 

I have often been the one to break news to friends and, in the main, our friends and neighbours are a lovely collection of people who offer us support without question or expectation. However, there are those that, when told the news that the situation has just worsened have either gone to pieces, and I have ended up consoling them and calming them down. Or, and my favourite, never heard of again because, (after I asked them whether they had embarked on a round the world trip), in their words “I couldn’t bear to see her go through that.” Nice huh? I thought so, along with “Your loss.” But this is just human nature I guess, things happen that test your mettle, and sometimes the results can be surprising.

 

As time wears on things just become part of the background scenery, I’m sure people must think of me as “that bloke with the sick wife”, which is marginally better than “that chubby bloke that talks about cars”. People at my work sometimes ask, but mostly they avoid the subject, and I never know which is the best, you may wonder why, well, let me tell you. There are those that avoid the subject, now this is not a malicious act, it is just that they clearly feel like they don’t know me well enough to ask, or perhaps they fear my reaction, thinking that I may just break down into an inconsolable wreck sobbing my heart out to them. Don’t worry sunshine, that ain’t gonna happen. Yesterday I had to leave the office in a rush to deal with a crisis at home. Not one sole has breathed a word about it or asked today. Am I a bit of an attention seeker? I don’t want to hold court and deliver a blow by blow account of what happened, but…

 

There are those that ask with particularly searching questions, you know the sort, the ones that slow down when they pass a car accident to get the gory details. One in particular asks questions and makes comments that could well provoke a reaction, for example: “It will be really tough for little Matthew when he loses his Mummy.” There are more, but I am sure you get the general idea. Is it me, or is this a stupid, insensitive and downright offensive thing to say? But, as with all things that happen in life, no matter what they are, look for something positive to take from every situation. What is it here? Well, it helps me to train and perfect my diplomacy and reserve by not giving the answer that this person so clearly desires. Instead I deliver a simple “I guess so, but we shall all have things to work through, that’s the thing about forming a strong support network.”

 

Please don’t get me wrong, there are some lovely people at my work who only ask simple “how is she today?”, and “how are you?” type questions. Again, a simple, truthful, efficient answer is always delivered. I have learnt that all but the very closest people do not want the full story, just the highlights. These are the ones that I am most jolly around.

 

One person though, goes down in history as saying the single most offensive thing I have ever heard. To this day, he has no idea how close he came to going to hospital (oh yes, I would have), when, after some particularly bad news he said the following to me: “Thing is, the three most stressful things to happen in someone’s life are moving house, divorce and death. And I’ve been divorced twice and moved house six times in the last 10 years, so I know how you feel.” Now, at this point I should enlighten you to what was happening in my life. On that day, I had a three month old baby, and within two days of Lynn being told that her cancer was back, and it had spent the whole time she was pregnant spreading, my dad died from a massive brain tumour that had been slowly killing him for the last year. I think, that if I hadn’t of been so tired, emotional, grief stricken etc. etc., the man would have definitely lost some teeth, at least.

 

Still, yet again I use the methods that my lovely wife has taught me over the years, and not give a reaction and instead smiled, (well, not quite smiled, but), and risen above it, using it more as a training exercise, delivered by rather unpleasant man. (Not my first choice of words).

 

So, what am I rambling about this time? Sounds like you’re just having a bit of a moan I hear you say. I guess, in some small way you would be right, but, and this is the clincher, it’s more an insight into the other side of things.

 

Over the years I have found that I feel bad delivering bad news to people, as if I am spoiling their day, even though, I know in my heart that these people are friends who would want to know what is going on. I feel more of an affinity with one or two of Lynn’s friends and will fill them in on how Lynn is doing. However, I cannot answer when they ask how I am, it is like a reaction that I have no control over, when I do give an answer, it is an automatic “Oh, you know me, I tick along.” It is given without thought or hesitation.

 

I guess that it is such a strange situation to face in your 30s, okay I’m now 40, but only just. To most, it will be the first time that people will have bumped into such a scenario, so I guess that most people I encounter will not know exactly what to say for fear of saying the wrong thing. But trust me, saying something, and it doesn’t have to be a big thing, just something, makes a huge difference.

 

If you know someone in my position, just a simple, “how are you today?” Or, “how is your *** (insert appropriate word) doing? You may not get a big answer, you may get one of the many platitudes or stock answers that I have, but the fact that you have said something, will make a difference to that person.

Imagination or Escapism?

Imagination or Escapism?

As a kid, I was always described as having an excellent imagination which, as a child is no bad thing. It helps you play and amuse yourself, with toy cars, building things from Lego, writing stories and drawing.  However, this sense of imagination somehow turns to daydreaming in your teens, well, it did with me. Whenever a situation that I was not keen on presented itself, I would simply drift away into my own world.  Probably much to the annoyance and frustration of my school teacher or parents.

As an adult, real life makes you stop using this escapism to avoid things or alleviate boredom whenever you feel like it. At some point it almost becomes honed into a valuable tool that can be used only when it is needed. For example, if in a meeting, and someone is droning on about some inane subject, I don’t know, the quality of the paper that is currently in our photocopier (yes, honestly), like an iPod fitted in my head I can simply switch on some music and replay favourite songs to myself. At the same time, I maintain a screensaver facial expression to not give away the game. That is, occasionally nodding and uh-huhing. In other areas of my life it is also quite a fun thing to do, just stroll into the imagination room in my head, when walking my dog or any other thing that does not require concentration.

Here is the thing about me, since I could walk and hold something, I have always been fascinated with cars. Football, army, climbing, all of the other things that boys like never appealed to me. I can remember being about 12 years old and all the other kids in my street playing football. Where was I? I was under the bonnet of my Mum’s Austin Allegro taking things apart and laying them out like an exploded diagram on the pavement next to the car. A sort of car component autopsy if you will. Don’t worry, I never went too far, her car was always put back together and in working order.

So, cars, well, what can I say? I was one of those kids that could identify the difference between a 1986 Honda Accord wheel trim and a 1988 Honda Accord wheeltrim (13 inch, then 14 inch diameter, different profiles), (sorry). Yes, you are right, a total nerd. So, what has this to do with imagination? Well let me tell you.

Every so often my lovely lady and I discuss the possibility of changing my car. For the record, I have little interest in modern cars, they are nice and more efficient, reliable, safer etc etc., but, I much prefer something about 20-30 years old, tuned and “tailored”. As a treat, I do have a little retro car in the garage that I wheel out on sunny days and for the occasional car show. So, picture the scene – a Monday evening, doggie has been walked, my little lad tucked up asleep in bed, me and my lovely (Mrs S) sitting on the sofa, me with laptop on lap, discussing changing the car.

I go from zero to sensible idea to daft idea to outrageous idea in no time at all. It goes like this –

Mrs S: “I think we should get a diesel, much more economical”

Me: “yes, a diesel”

Mrs S: “Maybe a VW or BMW?”

Me: “Yes, I always fancied one”

Mrs S: “Nothing too big”

Me: “No……… Here, how about using the budget to buy a really good, older, say Golf GTi, and drop a modern VW diesel engine in it, it’s an easy enough conversion, quite a few people have done it.”

Here’s where  it all starts… She turns to me, and I’m sure there is a little sigh, and says, “yes, that could work, maybe.” There is the green light, I have approval to build the ultimate retro car for daily duties. (In my head). I don’t hear the words “could”, “maybe”, “work” or even “that”. Just a resounding “yes”. I am off and racing down the strip at Santa Pod.

After a little while my lovely goes to bed as she is tired, and I am trusted with the laptop, no, the internet and all that it has to offer, (oi, I heard that!). Pistonheads is the first place I go, to find a suitable Golf GTi, after a while, one is found, straight, clean, not too ridiculous. Then I go to the forums and seek out conversion ideas, paint schemes etc. This is the part that takes time, there are an awful lot of VW forums out there. Then I start looking for a suitable donor car for engine, gearbox etc. Then I notice that it is midnight, and my eyes are stinging, so I go to bed, as I should have done a couple of hours previously. The next day at work, during my lunchtime, I research the tools, programming etc and companies that can offer services relating to this new project. By the time I go home that night I have a plan and, after the nightly jobs are done we sit down on the sofa and I drop it into conversation…

“You know we were talking about changing the car last night”

“Err, yeah, I remember something about that”

“Well, I’ve had a great idea”

(roll eyes, sigh) “What’s that then?”

“Well..” and I roll out the plan as loosely detailed above.

I am sure you can guess what is pointed out to me at this point. The words I failed to hear? How impractical and daft an idea it is? The (no doubt) spiralling cost? Along with questions like “What IS the weather like on your planet?” All of these are good, no, very good points. I am not a single bloke who can play around with cars whenever I feel like it. I am (supposed to be) a grown up.

So, the point of this story? Well, it fascinates me (and probably aggravates Mr S) no end how far I can take a mere suggestion of an idea in such a short time. The part that fascinates me is how much I could achieve if I could run with practical things with the same vigour and attention to detail. However, this is not the case.

Yet again, I am finding myself going through the “let’s change the car” routine, but just to myself, as things are changing and our vehicular needs will change sometime. We (my lad and I) won’t need a big car. He keeps mentioning that we should get a van, and if I am honest, I have had a few of them over the years and loved every one, and if I am really honest, have pondered the idea of a day van type arrangement. So I find myself looking at them and forming ideas.

The thing is, there are much bigger events happening around me at the moment. And in my clearer moments, I have to ask myself, is this me planning, or just temporarily escaping?

So, what now?

Here is now.

I have never really explored the world of blogging, but happened across one man's blog and it inspired me. It was Single Parent Dad , this man's blog somehow aligned with my position in the world and I found that it was my favourite read. It answered a lot of questions that I had and made me smile too.

Now, I should say here that I am not a single dad. That would be a gross misrepresentation, and not a label that I would give myself. No.

I am happily, very happily, married, and have been for the last 12 and a half years. See, I like it so much that I even count the fractions of a year. I met my wife when I was a teenager and she was the friend  of my mate's sister. Many years passed and we passed each other at various parties and, in our twenties we started dating and, within a very short space of time I realised that she was the one. I proposed on a very cold Christmas Eve in 1996 and she said yes. The best Christmas present I ever had.

The years have passed and we have had many adventures, but perhaps the biggest adventure was her diagnosis of breast cancer at the young age of 31. This has taken us to  many places and made us experience many things. Most of them unpleasant, but a few have been real eye openers.

In 2008 (two years after diagnosis) we were blessed with our son and life, again, took on a whole new meaning. Since then we have had many health worries, ultimately the pinnacle of which came in February of this year when we were told that the cancer has now spread to her brain. We were hoping for some positive news but last week we were told that there is not a great deal else that can be done now, so we are again in freefall mode. Whilst still trying to maintain normal lives for family, friends, work and ultimately, a happy 4 1/2 year old that finds the world a fascinating place. Who's going to burst that bubble. Well, I know that I will someday, and it is looking like it will be someday soon. Sadly.

So, this is my blog. I have no idea how often I will get the time to post here, but I shall visit from time to time. Someone told me that a blog can be quite cathartic. We shall see. Hopefully it will not be too depressing to read!

Anyway, if you have taken the time to read this, I thank you and hope that there shall be more postings that you will catch up on. I promise to put in some funny ones! For example, how do you answer the question "Why do pirates have parrots?" I just love the questions that come from my little man.

All the best and, I hope you're having a nice day, whatever it is you're doing.