You Know Your Problem? You Keep It All In

 

Do you remember that song? By the Beautiful South, a great sentiment, some days it is better to keep it all in, rather than just explode, taking everyone in the vicinity with you. I know that we, as society that is, are encouraged to talk about things and express our feelings as they can help us work things through. But sometimes, there are situations where that may help you in the short term, but the next day you may find yourself avoiding the person you spoke to because “I can’t believe I told them that!”

 

I have often been the one to break news to friends and, in the main, our friends and neighbours are a lovely collection of people who offer us support without question or expectation. However, there are those that, when told the news that the situation has just worsened have either gone to pieces, and I have ended up consoling them and calming them down. Or, and my favourite, never heard of again because, (after I asked them whether they had embarked on a round the world trip), in their words “I couldn’t bear to see her go through that.” Nice huh? I thought so, along with “Your loss.” But this is just human nature I guess, things happen that test your mettle, and sometimes the results can be surprising.

 

As time wears on things just become part of the background scenery, I’m sure people must think of me as “that bloke with the sick wife”, which is marginally better than “that chubby bloke that talks about cars”. People at my work sometimes ask, but mostly they avoid the subject, and I never know which is the best, you may wonder why, well, let me tell you. There are those that avoid the subject, now this is not a malicious act, it is just that they clearly feel like they don’t know me well enough to ask, or perhaps they fear my reaction, thinking that I may just break down into an inconsolable wreck sobbing my heart out to them. Don’t worry sunshine, that ain’t gonna happen. Yesterday I had to leave the office in a rush to deal with a crisis at home. Not one sole has breathed a word about it or asked today. Am I a bit of an attention seeker? I don’t want to hold court and deliver a blow by blow account of what happened, but…

 

There are those that ask with particularly searching questions, you know the sort, the ones that slow down when they pass a car accident to get the gory details. One in particular asks questions and makes comments that could well provoke a reaction, for example: “It will be really tough for little Matthew when he loses his Mummy.” There are more, but I am sure you get the general idea. Is it me, or is this a stupid, insensitive and downright offensive thing to say? But, as with all things that happen in life, no matter what they are, look for something positive to take from every situation. What is it here? Well, it helps me to train and perfect my diplomacy and reserve by not giving the answer that this person so clearly desires. Instead I deliver a simple “I guess so, but we shall all have things to work through, that’s the thing about forming a strong support network.”

 

Please don’t get me wrong, there are some lovely people at my work who only ask simple “how is she today?”, and “how are you?” type questions. Again, a simple, truthful, efficient answer is always delivered. I have learnt that all but the very closest people do not want the full story, just the highlights. These are the ones that I am most jolly around.

 

One person though, goes down in history as saying the single most offensive thing I have ever heard. To this day, he has no idea how close he came to going to hospital (oh yes, I would have), when, after some particularly bad news he said the following to me: “Thing is, the three most stressful things to happen in someone’s life are moving house, divorce and death. And I’ve been divorced twice and moved house six times in the last 10 years, so I know how you feel.” Now, at this point I should enlighten you to what was happening in my life. On that day, I had a three month old baby, and within two days of Lynn being told that her cancer was back, and it had spent the whole time she was pregnant spreading, my dad died from a massive brain tumour that had been slowly killing him for the last year. I think, that if I hadn’t of been so tired, emotional, grief stricken etc. etc., the man would have definitely lost some teeth, at least.

 

Still, yet again I use the methods that my lovely wife has taught me over the years, and not give a reaction and instead smiled, (well, not quite smiled, but), and risen above it, using it more as a training exercise, delivered by rather unpleasant man. (Not my first choice of words).

 

So, what am I rambling about this time? Sounds like you’re just having a bit of a moan I hear you say. I guess, in some small way you would be right, but, and this is the clincher, it’s more an insight into the other side of things.

 

Over the years I have found that I feel bad delivering bad news to people, as if I am spoiling their day, even though, I know in my heart that these people are friends who would want to know what is going on. I feel more of an affinity with one or two of Lynn’s friends and will fill them in on how Lynn is doing. However, I cannot answer when they ask how I am, it is like a reaction that I have no control over, when I do give an answer, it is an automatic “Oh, you know me, I tick along.” It is given without thought or hesitation.

 

I guess that it is such a strange situation to face in your 30s, okay I’m now 40, but only just. To most, it will be the first time that people will have bumped into such a scenario, so I guess that most people I encounter will not know exactly what to say for fear of saying the wrong thing. But trust me, saying something, and it doesn’t have to be a big thing, just something, makes a huge difference.

 

If you know someone in my position, just a simple, “how are you today?” Or, “how is your *** (insert appropriate word) doing? You may not get a big answer, you may get one of the many platitudes or stock answers that I have, but the fact that you have said something, will make a difference to that person.